Therapists- Unicorns or humans? – stories never heard, never told. (long post alert)

A lot many times, people look upon a mental health professional -psychotherapists/psychologists as if they were these magical, mystical unicorns, so unlike them, these perfect humans who have it all sorted. After all they studied the mind. (studying the mind and mastering one’s mind are very different things and need not necessarily go hand in hand.) Most times the field is also alluring to future psychologists because of the same fantasy. Many a times the field, all by itself, also maintains this fantasy for multiple reasons – good (healthy boundaries) and bad (rigid boundaries, to maintain this façade, much akin to occultism).

There are other times when people go to the opposite end of the spectrum and completely assume and judge this entire field to be a hoax.

I guess its true, that when we truly don’t understand something, we either build fantasies around it or dig a grave and bury it, so that it will not see the light of day again.

However, I think it’s important and healthy if people know what they are getting into, as clients, and as would be professionals, of course within the confines of health.

The human beneath-

This is an excerpt that shows the human behind the profession. With a brief snippet about my journey to serve as example. Of course, trying to keep what’s truly personal, personal.

First and foremost, psychologists/psychotherapists are human beings. Not perfect. Far from it.

What may distinguish them at most is the time and energy they invest in the pursuit of understanding the self, the mind (and hopefully they spend a great deal of time exploring and reflecting on their own selves and minds as well). This gives them a certain edge, in figuring out the basic heuristics, the laws based on which this machinery/ mind works, thus can guide you to use your machinery to a great extent. Mind you they can’t give you an answer, they help you find you own answers by facilitating the basic machinery. And it’s a vocation they chose, cause they like it, are intrigued by it, they have traits that are useful to being one and skills they have honed overtime, and also cause it pays their bills, and dreams.

My journey-

I chose to be a psychologist at 15. Then there were grand schemes, grander fantasies build around it. Started my formal training at 17. Kept at it for 7 years. Loved everything to do with it, was good at most of it, be it research, teaching, practice, but given a choice I chose to practice, thus didn’t pursue my PhD. But I continued my education nevertheless, while practicing, cause I wanted to be the best at it.

“Searching for oneself is a journey for a lifetime, life is what happens in between.” (quote)

Which is what happened to me as well. With each passing year, the fantasies shifted, reality set in. Grounding me. Every year after has humbled me further, each year more than the previous and that’s a journey that never will end.

I learnt I’m not the best, because this is one field you can’t define what being the best truly is. I can strive to be good, honest, ethical, care for my clients deeply, work for them, work with them, be their advocate when the whole world, their own families’ and sometimes their own mind aren’t. I can make mistakes and fail as well and learn from it just like any other profession. But I need not be the ‘best clinical psychologist/psychotherapist to do all that. All I needed to be was be truly be, truly be myself and truly be present for them, be king and honest and of course put what I learnt to its best use.

The last 2 years of my training was at NIMHANS, Bangalore India. An institute of national importance, considered the best in the country. I put in nearly 16 hours every day for those 2 years in all my postings. (M.Phil. in clinical psychology at NIMHANS is an internship-based training program where you see patients across all ages, and psychological, psychiatric and neurological concerns both in inpatient and outpatient settings). I even worked there for 2 years after, as a clinical psychologist, teaching, supervising and practicing, still putting in 16-hour work days. That was how determined I was. Many a times I was advised by my professors, and mentors to consider a PhD. But like I mentioned before I wanted to practice more than the other things that still piqued my interests. For long I was confused, I could if I wanted to, but did I really want to? But the truth was something else.

Everything comes at a price.

I was learning this lesson sub consciously.

Clarity doesn’t strike you in a moment. It sometimes takes years of experience and reflecting to get some.

I saw I was losing the essence, my soul’s essence in my pursuit of ambitions. I didn’t know when that became synonymous with who am truly. That wasn’t where I started off.

Often, we all start with good intent, but get lost and distracted, to a point the distractions become the path. Sometimes even to the point that we forget where it all began. What it was all about.

This doesn’t mean pursuing your goals and ambitions are bad, I still do, all I’m pointing out is –never at the expense of your soul’s /self’s purpose. And especially in a field like mine I consider it’s an ethical prerogative that you learn to look up close at you own self first.

Ironically, I did just that while I was at NIMHANS. While the goal was to study what health was, and how to help clients move from a space of illness to wellness, pathology to health, I ate barely anything ( when did I get time if am working 16 hours!), lost weight, health and sleep over research, patients, in my striving to know, learn, heal and barely had the time to invest in my family and relationships. Ironically still, was the fact that I did my dissertation in Stress, well-being and self care practices in mental health trainees. Ironically still, was despite the alarming results that pointed out most of the trainees were significantly unhealthy in comparison to norms, even my own professors/ institute chose to unsee/deny and eventually me too. I never published it. What was the point?

We all chose to remain blind that we weren’t exactly healthy, but we were preaching health.  

Many continue to teach/preach, seldom practice that which we know.

Yes, it definitely takes a knowing of a certain kind, that only comes with experience- wisdom, that lends you clarity.

The major shift-

I decided to be a psychotherapist instead of the clinical psychologist I was trained to be.

It wasn’t an easy decision, and happened across years. It was a step down, according to many, I was being stupid to let go of the title, despite the training, skills and expertise I had now. It was definitely a step down in my social standing considering all my friends and colleagues were psychiatrists and clinical psychologists, neuropsychologists, with an array of doctorates and post docs.

And it came with a big step down- with regard to income. I wasn’t working a stable job at a hospital, with a stable income, wasn’t doing expensive psychological and neuropsychological assessments, had to generate my own clientele, build a practice from scratch.  I had to odd jobs on the side to make ends meet. I have worked as a clinic manager, a counsellor at a college, and taught for a semester as an assistant professor at another, all while building a practice on the side.  I met people, build a page, and website on my own, I took calls, fixed appointments, kept tabs on accounts, bills and payments, set reminders for clients, basically all the functions of a receptionist and accountant, cause I couldn’t afford to have one. Despite all the expenses, to ensure quality in my practice, I went for my own therapy, and was in supervision. (it was a major expense then, looking back now, though I did it then, for my practice, maybe it was the one of the few good things I did for my self, then and now.)

And all this took another 7 plus years.

Like Lionel Messi said –

“It took me 17 years and 114 days to become an overnight success.”

I mentioned before everything comes with a price. And you have to pay the price to enjoy the fruits.

My goal was to create a safe space for my clients that’s based in quality and that which is accessible to the common man who needs mental health care.

I set a fee, which I felt is neither too high nor too low- reasonable, I thought, in light of what am bringing to the table- my expertise and experience (I bring both a clinical psychologist and a psychotherapist to the table).

Because though I had a calling, I had bills to pay. My personal ones, the rental for the clinic space, for my continuing education, and supervisions and my therapy!

Though I was advised by several friends and mentors to raise my fee and change my cancellation policies I chose to do otherwise and in do so incurred heavy losses, recently lost my clinic space too, since I couldn’t keep it up and running with my ideals/income.

But what I lost in time and pursuing ideals I gained in experience.

To decide truly what my sweet spot could be -between my ideals and humanity- versus – reality and bills.

That’s my professional journey to date, all this while I was living a personal journey on the side as well. One quite dynamic, human and coloured with its own highs and lows, sickness, losses and suffering. I also suffered from clinical depression for 6-10 months in 2017. (Around that time is when I stepped back from practice, did other jobs, to be ethical, the unemployment wasn’t definitely easy on me and my depressive episode, but I did it anyways cause it was the right thing to do by my clients.)

Being on the other side has given me perspective that perhaps my training didn’t.

While all that’s private, what I can say here is that its less than perfect, very human and something I still cherish and grateful cause of how enlightening it has been. It would be a lie to say my personal life doesn’t influence my professional life. My personal journey has always supplemented and complemented my professional journey and I try to keep that influence positive and healthy, by ensuring objectivity in the guise of supervision and personal therapy. As I grow as a person, so does my practice, since in psychotherapy the psychotherapist is the main instrument of change.

“The psychotherapeutic instrument is, of course, the therapist – in all aspects of her or his personality – who has the unique capability of being honed by experience to create a relationship that helps other people grow, heal, and expand the range of possibilities in their lives.”

David E. Scharff, M.D.

The dream-

I still have a dream. Despite the setbacks. A big dream at that. To build safe spaces for individuals and for communities. To build holistic mental health practices that is accessible and affordable. One that’s is sustainable for both service providers and service users. Mental health issues were on the rise, and will be more so, in the current scenario, with the pandemic at hand. But instead of looking at it as a crisis and space that needs to be looked at with care and respect, we seem to have moved into this territory where it’s a “viable market” that can be tapped into- “mental health industry” they say.

When did mental health become an industry/market?  It sure seems like the new market, everyone is tapping into, investing in.  Go online on every social media platform, you see ads cropping up everywhere. It scares me frankly, than making me feel optimistic. I did dream of a day when people and society prioritized mental health. But if you take out the essence and make it about investments based in someone else’s’ plight? Trust me, I have had my fair share of bad therapists and they did no good, except maybe teach me not to be them.

Invest in your own mental health not someone else’s mental illness and sufferings.

I don’t want to fall prey to consumerist and capitalist mindsets. However, I do not want to be at this place where I/well trained therapists who want to offer quality suffer. why does it have to be that someone has to suffer?

I have had my share of good therapists too. Well intentioned, trained and virtuous ones. I know many personally too.  I know how much time they invest in their own healing and their clients. Always behind a veil, unseen, underappreciated, but changed/influenced many a life.

Sustainability is something that am struggling with currently. Am on a health break, and completely off everything for a month. Taking a hard pause, a hard look a my self and my journey and where i want to go from here. So, I’m not available to reply on this post immediately, I would suggest that even people who are excited initially to take some time to reflect on this piece,

For I have noticed this as well, everyone is enthusiastic about ideas initially, but with time, just like any other feeling, enthusiasm fades, however that which is based in will and virtue sustains.

So, ask this to yourself- Does this dream make sense to your self? Does it resonate with your own ideas, dreams, your soul?

When I’m back after a month, I hope to reconnect with like minded people- therapists and laymen who would like to value add, and build goals, dreams and spaces based on the fundamentals of virtue, health and humanity.

P.S- Am linking here an earlier piece I wrote, for those who might be interested to dig in further.

The perils of being a psychotherapist in a country that barely understands us.

#Therapy #dreams #psychotherapy #personal #sustainablepractice #therapists